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Tuesday, 28 July 2009
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don't know what to title this. only ramblings.
Fell asleep watching tv the other night. Woke up at 4:30AM to "10 Things I Hate About You" which was a movie that I first saw at college, liked, but had enough of after two or three watch-thrus. Now that it's been a while tho, the ten minutes of it that I caught before dragging myself upstairs were hilarious, and I found myself for the first time in a long while smiling, laughing, and under my breath repeating "I love it!" at the end of each scenario. At the end of the paintball-waterballoon scene when they had colored hair the absurd thought "I want rainbow hair!" crept through my mind. I realized I was delerious feeling like I was sitting on the front porch with those two with rainbow painted hair, but really enjoying the delusion. It cheered me up, then I crashed out hard again.
Busy week coming up.
Today went out with Shanny and her friends Sarah and Wayne, we saw The Pain Locker 'cause Food, Inc. was sold out. An outing intended to enlighten and uplift, kinda took me down again. Blahh shell shock movies.
Tomorrow we're headed out to see mom and her new dog Marley.
Wednesday there was vague speak of a visit from some friends from school, but.. not sure if that's gonna come to pass.
Thursday is free because when I called the driving school they redirected me to the internet, which redirected me to a dead-end. ugh. just when I *thought* I was gonna make some real progress...
Friday going out to mom's again to spend a night there and then...
Saturday thru Sunday Medieval Faire with my girls from school! Woooo! I'm excited to see them, hope I don't make a fool of myself. Never been to one such function before. But def. looking forward to it with them.
Monday is DCI show in Massillon, which I really really want to see. Last year went with a good group and it was the best band show EVER. Pretty much for sure, ever. Wonderful day. I have a fear though that this time, things will be different if I go at all. I'm missing my friends so badly.
The next Thursday after that is Devie's birthday. She wants to go see a baseball game. Tribe's been getting hot! Should be fun. ^^
The reality check of graduation has finally hit me, only a few days ahead of my first wave of rejection letters and emails. No big disappointment there though. Thinking of signing up for O Chem, maybe at CSU or Tri-Hi if that doesn't pan out. GRE's in Nov and who knows what after that. But it's a rough blueprint for the coming time. Better than anything else I could come up with. Running away, or scrapping the past and going in a whole different direction, they're options I suppose. But they won't "fix me" or the sadness that has rolled in. I find I'm happiest being active, it's just hard to find the motivation. Typically this time of summer, I'm pretty fit, biking long distances, not this year. Can't hardly motivate my way up Ridge Rd anymore. Probably *could* beat that hill, but no drive to. Gotta be more active. Get that drive back. But also gotta find something to live for. That's the biggest thing I miss, I suppose.. my something to live for.
Thursday, 23 July 2009
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Post-grad crisis
The first month after graduation was not so bad. Running around, visiting family, friends almost every day, it really kept me busy and active and positive. Did some job hunting, a couple interviews and some driving, and prospectively it was looking like the start of a truly productive summer.
As the midway point of July passes though, that's all far gone. I'm home every day because the flower shop doesn't call me in and the interviews I did.. well, never got back. So I'm home and while dad's at work I'm alone. To a point this is a good thing. After that point it is maddening. Boredom has set in a few times. That's never good. Some afternoons I find myself simply sitting and listening to radio for hours, letting the mind wander. Also not good.
It strikes me now what an invigorating ride the last four years were. How exciting it was to be a student, and to have knowledge and challenges being thrown at you from all angles, always something to accomplish, always something you can do to make someone somewhere proud. Now there is only a clean slate. Every brilliant thing I've had since leaving here for Alliance feels gone. It's a different world here than it was when I left too. Even something so simple as my mom not living here is shocking some days. Sometimes the color of the walls. I'm in another life now and its so bleak and empty.
The emptiness some say is opportunity for new things. The new hasn't come through though. The only thing that seems to have any meaning to me is what there once was. Something to learn, some task to accomplish, someone to love, somewhere to be and a world to try to understand.
I miss my room mates. I wake up in the morning wanting to go to breakfast with Sarasa, then to Geology 110 to sit next to Laura, and lunch maybe with Kathie and Heather and Jen or sometimes Hiro and Sergey, I miss the excitement of stepping into a building full of people at 4:00 and then making music together for an hour before dinner with my favorite people in the whole world. Every day! Life was at its finest, there at the dinner table. I miss getting ready for bed in that old house full of stressed out others who all love each other and secretly resent a few little things about each other too, but always get along when it matters. I miss weekend hang-out times and late night food runs. Miss running the short 200 yards down the sidewalk to see Ryry.
All that is past now, yeah it hit me hard these last several days. I don't know what to do with myself. In a way, want to run away, do something extreme. Leave the whole world behind and that's not really possible now is it..
I'm home now. I have finished what my whole life I set out to do. I had no goals beyond this. I'm totally lost on what to do. I feel like I've died and resurrected. Now what...
Now its just an empty canvas before me and a bunch of dry paint in my bucket.
Thursday, 01 January 2009
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Hide your heartache away between the pages of a book
Holidays are always a rough time for year for me now. In the hassle and stress of traveling between four or more family Christmases. it can be all too easy to lose the feelings of holiday cheer. Shopping is the worst part of it all, of course. Book shopping has been the least stressful this year, and by far the most fruitful. In a time when people are whispering rumors of the end of the printed word, there is no denying the compelling power of the cover of a new book.
Aside from books chosen for gifts, I picked out three for myself. So many other interesting ones caught my attention too.
I have been reading one that I purchased - Coal River by Michael Shnyaerson. An awesome photograph wraps around the face of this book, showing a modest American home situated in a neatly-trimmed field among a pristine mountainside forest. Then midway up, a bare dirt hill, and atop, a leveled plain, nothing there but cliffs and hollows carved out for the strips of buried coal. It's the most beautiful full-color photograph of one of the most terrible things I've ever seen. More than halfway through the text already, I do not feel at all disappointed that my jury duty was dismissed without a trial. The book is enough of a civil education. Environmental law is by no means where I hope to end up, but inevitably, as a scientist I will most likely get tangled up in it at some point.
Yesterday another book cover caught my eye, a kid squeezing his eyes and mouth shut. It's called "Look Me in the Eye: My life with Asperger's". Wait, what is Aspergers? I too have always had trouble making eye contact.. Must look into it. As I learned, a person with Aspergers has a type of Autism that prevents connecting to people emotionally, and feels thus outcast from society and lacking in or perhaps unworthy of the feelings the average person experiences. Not me. But interesting nonetheless. It is like me in one aspect, but then completely unlike in the other. What is the connection between a condition like Autism or Aspergers' and being Highly Sensitive? I think I will jot down my thoughts on this subject and perhaps post it later on.
I've been keeping a sort of journal recently too, hoping it will lead me to see the positive over the negative. I write down three things that went right throughout the day and then two nice things people said or did for me. And then I chart my overall mood for the day.
I don't have a new year's resolution but I guess I would like to get better grades, become more informed in the world's happenings and get back into shape like I once was. Not the dehydrated scrawny little weakling that I always feel like during the lazy winter months. blahhh... Oh yes and find a job with my soon-to-be-earned college degree!!
Wednesday, 06 August 2008
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Well. I can't say I've been much of an internet junkie this summer. As the sparse entries show. But there's been a lot going on. This week holds some very cool events and I'm almost halfway through already!
Monday I went to see the DCI show in Massillon with Ryan and Nate. It was fantastic and so fun to experience in person. The weather has been feeling just right to me lately, for the start of the marching season, and this was undoubtedly the perfect way to begin! We saw Ally and Patrick there, and Mr. Willis of course.. It was great to see the stadium so full for the bands, for once.
Ryry made us some macaroni and cheese for dinner, since I had to miss "family night" at Devon's. And he got me a game called Plant Tycoon. How.. unique! I play it but have no idea what's going on really...Tuesday! Dad and I had gone to stand in line for tickets for a political rally. Of the Barack Obama variety. It was quite the last thing I expected to do this summer. We arrived at BW early and got some good seats. It was a long wait, and the gymnasium went from comfortable to nearly unbearable as the hours passed. I predicted Michael Jung. He is assistant to Dr. Mark Shanahan, who is energy advisor to Ted Strickland, our current governor. The guest actually was Strickland himself, and he had brought along Sherrod Brown, our current Senator. It was a lot less informative than Jung's speech had been when I saw him, but it seemed to be more about making an appearance today. Obama came out to do his speech, it was way cool to see him in person. The topic being energy was perfect for me, since its one of the few issues I remotely care about. Politics hasn't gotten a good grip on me yet. He had some points which I agreed with, and a few which brought me almost to tears because I'd regretted hearing him say that sort of thing. It was a good speech indeed, but again I was plgued at the end by that nagging truth: he's a politician, not a scientist. The attitude he has towards it is right though, no doubt. He promotes doing the simple things, which everyone can do, and only slammed the McCain camp because they have been making fun of this simple advice. Yes, it seems too simple, because it really is! but it's fallen victim to the "nasty" and cynical politics of Republicans vs. Democrats. Blind disrespect. Politics aren't my thing. It breaks my heart to realize there are so many people out there just following these men wholeheartedly. I have problems with both sides. Don't get me wrong. This really brought to my attention the blemishes (in my opinion) in Obama's energy plans. But, this is why it is good to be informed. Being there in person was fantastic too. I can't tell my mom though. She and her boyfriend/fiancee freak out all the time over it. Even if I claim to be undecided, they pelt me with verbal McCain propaganda. It's like hey have nothing bad to say about him at all. And that, I feel, is highly suspicious, and not right.
Tomorrow I will get to make up family day with Dev and Steve. Dev turns 21 and we're celebrating at the county fair. :3
Thursday night Kathie is going to whisk me away to the land of Fairlawn for a night of catching up on each other, and trading travel photos/stories/etc. I just can't wait to see her again. ^_^
Friday I have to work again. eww. But it's with Stacey, and she's hugely sweet.
Saturday Jason is coming to visit from PA. Which will be cool cause last time I saw him was Dev's wedding, which had me in a strange state anyway. So I owe an apology. And it will be good to set things right before leaving for this last school year.
Sunday I keep thinking I have something to do but can't remember what.
Monday I am going to Vermil to visit my grandparents, and do some school-shopping. Coming home Tuesday night or Wednesday AM. unsure which.
Then in the final remaining days I need to finalize packing and preparation and get myself out to school on Saturday. Ready for Band Camp '08! Senior year!
For now though, bed. oyasumi.....
Friday, 20 June 2008
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White powder disappears on Mars - so "it MUST be water!"
Forgive me, Xanga, for I had done the unspeakable and for a time alternated over to MySpace blog. It was more visible to family so I put my blogs about Costa Rica there. And some other current events. Now, I'm immersing myself in other thoughts just to try to keep my mind moving.
Run a search on the Xanga front page, and you will find no one has blogged about the recent Mars discovery of ice. What? This is what we earthlings have been wondering about for so long!! Is there life on Mars? Is there possibility of life on Mars? and now that NASA announces: "Oh, look! It's ice, guys!" hardly a one turns a head.
Well it gets my attention because of the methods by which they decided this was ice. The rover Phoenix has a backhoe-arm, which dug into the soil and found white powder. Not having any other way to analyze the powder, NASA decides to leave and return a couple of days later to see if it has disappeared... ok.
Firstly, what this tells me is that they sent a rover to Mars, a $420,000,000 (thats 420 million!) project, and they sent it without chemical analysis tools? They don't have to be testing for crack cocaine even - it's water or salt, and they had no way to know which but to wait to see if it would presumably sublime?
This sublimation test bothers me even more. What happens when you freeze Carbon Dioxide? You get dry ice. What happens when you expose dry ice to the air? Sublimation! Now, thinking reasonably, here on earth the temperature difference is such that when dry ice sublimes we see the "fog" and it's easy to recognize. What happens to dry ice on mars? No one knows, do they? What happens when frozen ammonia (like Jupiter) or Ethanol? (Oh man.. if only they had announced "it must be Ethanol!" What kind of funding would they have gotten then!?)
My point is, a lot of chemicals could sublime. Sublimation is not unique to water, and so I am not thoroughly convinced that what they have is water. The polygonal soil pattern is a similar problem. Why are we assuming that this ice is made of water? If we are thinking so simply because the ice here is composed of our beloved H2O, it is wishful thinking that is sadly leading NASA and millions upon billions of us earthlings astray. Qualitative observation is one thing, but remember this is no way to draw an accurate conclusion of what you are seeing on the molecular level. I hate chemistry, but I call for chemical analysis, goshdarnnit! If they're gonna make me prove everything down here in undergrad I demand NASA, the big guys, must do this too.
KelleryCelery
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- Name: Kelly
- Country: United States
- Birthday: 11/19/1986
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 9/6/2005
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About Me
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I'm a student at MUC, aspiring to a degree in the wonderful field of Biology. I love nature and quality art, and most times wish I was more religious than I really am. If you ever hear bagpipes at random places around campus it might be me. Or not... I do have that Irish temperment though so forgive many of my rage-ful bloggings. I'm really not this way in person. Everyone needs a way to vent sometimes, right?
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